Ten Activities for Retired People

Three close friends of mine recently retired. Yes, I am horribly jealous, but besides that I believe it is important for them and any other retiree to stay active. So I present to you ten activities for the newly retired;

1. Erie canal path tollbooth attendant. Due to a recent influx of FF runners/walkers, Hilton people, dog walkers and other miscreants, booths will be set up near Henpeck Park, Union St. Bridge in Spencerport and Adams Basin. The retirees will collect $2 from each person to use our path. We need coverage from 7am-6pm Monday-Friday and 7am-11am on weekends. Sals began using this path 25 years ago, when it was really a dirt trail barely wide enough for two people. It is OUR path!
2. Free lawn care. Why should I mow my lawn when all of these retirees are available? Think of the exercise they could get. Retirees would be doing the working people a favor. We will supply a step counter to provide motivation.
3. It's fall in upstate NY, which means leaves, lots and lots of leaves falling. Raking is a valuable service. In our little village the leaves don't even need to be bagged, just brought up to the curb. More exercise and fresh air!
4. Book club reader. Sometimes it is difficult for those of us still with jobs to complete whatever book has been chosen for our club to read. Retirees have loads of reading time. They read the book and prepare discussions freeing me up to concentrate on the food and wine/beer at our meetings.
5. Traffic control. From 4-6:30pm Monday-Friday Main St. in our village is a traffic jam, with lines of cars more than a mile to get through the village. It's become worse over the past couple of years and needs to stop. The retiree will stand at the intersection of rt. 31 and Union and direct every other driver to the east towards Gillette or west to Trimmer so our village isn't continually abused. I can't get across the street when running without being scared of getting hit by a car. Ridiculous. It's probably those Hilton people again heading home!
6. Significant Other flower delivery. Retirees should feel obligated to grow pretty flowers year-round then deliver cuttings once a week to homes. With this service it would help make some husbands still appear romantic.
7. Food Delivery/Chef. Why should I, a working man, have to prepare meals every night? Retirees can cook the meal and deliver to homes, sort of like Meals-On-Wheels for the elderly. Of course I would pay for the ingredients, but not the cooking or delivery.
And 3 more - by an anonymous author:

8. Crime concealment technician. After the wife of this author reads the list the retirees should aid in the covering of what would surely be a capital crime. Body hiding could be on the canal or near the yellow line on Union St. in the village.

9. Political advisors. It seems that once one retires they become experts on public policy. The first step is to write down all of the world problem solutions that are yelled at the TV and told to their working spouse before he has a chance to run to the kitchen and stick his head in the fridge.

10. Entertainment coordinator. With free time during the day, Geva tickets, TV recording schedules, and weekend race arrangements can be procured leisurely on the veranda with their laptops and bon bons.